As I began thinking that in order to succeed in my personal growth I need to push myself to write… I realized that I have an aberration to documenting how I feel. Just the thought of putting my feelings or experiences in paper or in any other form start to fill me up with anxiety. Most of the time I find a way to excuse myself from doing such task, but I know that I need to let it all out…
So… this opened up the window to: why do I feel this way? As I began thinking I remember having the ability to record everything in my diary when I was a teenager. The first crush, first kiss, all kinds of feelings and troubles… I wrote it all.. and then a family member used it against me and gave it to my mother. She then decided to keep it and would bring out parts of it when she decided I need it a lesson. I won’t bore you with the details of that relationship yet, but I will have to revisit many experiences once I start peeling the layers.
Just think how a 16 year old felt as all her feelings and secrets were just out there for someone to judge you on, obviously it was traumatizing and I remember now that I promised myself I would never be put in that situation again. So I bottled up all my feelings inside and didn’t write them down anywhere nor did I bother to revisit them, which I think has cause me to be this unstable emotional rollercoaster.
I have visited a few psychologist in my search as to why I am this way, and they all say how writing things down can help you think and see it in a different light. This past year has been rough and although I have lived with depression for half my life I almost felt like I couldn’t do it anymore at times. But, I am still here because 1)I am not a quitter, even when I don’t feel as strong as I ever did and 2) I won’t give up, I feel deep down there is a reason to all this and I want to figure it out. So… I decided I will commit to writing here, peel the layers away and hope the light gets brighter.
This blog is by no means to blame anyone, it is simply my way of letting go of my ghosts while raising mental health awareness as this topic it’s such a taboo that most are afraid to speak up. If I can help one person to know they are not alone and hey, I felt that way too! then hooray. I am just following my gut feeling and doing it online instead of in paper because I feel it’s what I am supposed to do. Let this be a no judgement zone, we are all human and we all make mistakes…it’s what you do with the lesson learned that matters.
Be kind… not because someone might be in pain, but because kindness will heal the world one day.
♣ Erriugazi ♣