Breaking down…

Today was not a good day… as a matter of fact I haven’t been getting that many good days lately, but I push and fake it til I make it to bed time. But today… I broke…I broke at the supermarket after having a conversation with my daughter’s Ortho office because they needed to re-schedule our appointment. Their reasoning was because the molds and information wouldn’t be back on time for this appointment that has been scheduled since before school ended…I understand the lab needs time to do their job, but this appointment was schedule incorrectly on their part and they had several times to fix it. even last week when I was there and they completely missed the opportunity.  To many this might sound dumb to get upset at but what most people fail to understand is that that was the drop that made me almost start bawling my eyes trying to figure out if the kids needed one or two gallons of milk.

adult black and white darkness face

Why?! well because I have become overly sensitive to noises and continuous stimulation, but I live with an 8 and 11 yr old that are continuously playing around me.  So i suppress my anxiety because i refused to punish them to a quiet world when all they are doing is playing and living a normal life. Meanwhile I am going crazy inside, trying to calm myself down.

This bad day started when I realized I forgot to make my CC payment on time and I was going to incur a late fee and my APR will go up. Thankfully I was able to call and they gave me a no problem since its not a common occurrence, yay problem solve, but the emotional damaged had been done. So I went to work with my cloud hanging.

The vets office call to let me know hey that appointment you scheduled 5 weeks ago at 8 well the dogs need to be here at 715 am instead with one day notice got me even lower into my rabbit whole because I had my morning plan out with dog sitting and dog drop off but now I gotta make arrangement but we gotta do what we gotta do.

I kept catching myself out of the loop and in the verge or panic over mundane things. The kids get to come to work with me, and I am extremely grateful to have that, but sometimes like today, its extra stress.  So the things like the usual bickering was too much…my daughter likes to just hang around me and watch me while I work, but it was too much… her needing her space from her brother and hiding from him was too much, and her brothers usual annoying nature of I’m going to make noises and hang around you was too much. Even then… I held it all in and didn’t explode with reprimands of how they need to behave because I am at work.

Then I had a hard time trying to send this important shipment out internationally and even-though I made it it was another blow to my emotional state. Because if you know how our brains work once you enter that whole its too slippery sometimes to recover.

So once I left work and got the voicemail about the re-schedule and call the office and ask why the need to reschedule me when the impressions where supposed to be done this coming Thursday and the speak to doctor… now they are calling to reschedule because the impressions that were done last week ahead of time are not back I just couldn’t understand why I was not told the labs takes two weeks to send them back last week and got re-scheduled then. While on the call i just wanted to become the hulk and scream and have my tantrum of how our schedule matter as well, but I didn’t I managed to calm myself down and lower my voice and listen to their reasoning.

So when it came to how many gallons of milk do they kids need between now and July 31st my brain couldn’t take it anymore and started shaking and crying right there in front of the milk aisle. But guess what, I had to play it cool because I had the kids with me and mommy doesn’t want to scare them right…

I told myself I would come home and call the insurance to speak to someone that could help me out, you know those counselors on the phone available in need of emergency… all to hear the same nonsense, you need to take a break and go to counseling 3 maybe 5 times a week… meanwhile who watches my kids? who pays my bills? yeah once again I have been burned by the system that doesn’t work and will have to find my way out.

That’s my ramble…maybe this will take the edge off…now I go back to holding it in and pray I can be as convincing as ever…


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